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Well good morning everybody. 

     It’s so good to see you here.

Now I hope that fears of parenting

     Will quickly disappear.

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It’s a very simple subject see,

     So you mustn’t worry now

And my main aim, quite naturally,

     Is just to teach you how. 

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The most essential rule, of course,

     Is let them know you're boss.

They soon will get the message.

      You make sure it gets across!

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If you listen to their grumbling,

     You’re *courting trouble there -

But do all this with love, of course,

     And show them that you care.

  

Do not excuse their rudeness.

     You pretend you didn’t hear.

There's nothing worse to children

     Than a parent with deaf ears.

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With my parenting instructions

     You'll be better than the rest,

With contented kids, a happy home,

     And a life devoid of stress.

 

First: keep your children healthy:

     Give them lots of good fresh fruit

And make them walk to school each day

     And take the longest route.

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You should switch off electricity

     At eight o’clock each night.

'An early night will do us good.

     Tomorrow we'll feel bright.'

 

Instead of children’s programmes

     Let them only hear the news.

If they find it quite disturbing,

     They could learn to change a fuse.

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Then teach them other useful skills:

     How to clean and how to cook.     

These skills will be more use to them

     Than simply reading books.

 

Oh, keep them short of money too.

    They should earn what they are given.

They'll hate you first, of course they will,

     But I’m sure you’ll be forgiven.

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They’ll learn you’re not a cash machine

     To meet their every whim,

With a bank account so full of cash

     It’s flowing to the brim.

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Don’t try to understand them now

     And ‘reasoning’ is out.

Enforcing your authority

     Is what parenting’s about.

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Understanding YOU is crucial! 

     Well I hope this point is clear.

Perhaps you were not sure of this

     And that is why you’re here.

 

I was booked to run a five week course

     But I think that I am through

For, from my own experience,

     I’d say there’s nothing new.

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See, parenting’s an ancient art,

     Well-practised through the years.

Now it’s time for you to practise it

     With nothing much to fear.

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Copyright on all my poems

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